I went through a particularly bad spell in November where I had a mini breakdown at work while reading picture books. Nervous exhaustion meets quiet room.

I had gone into the large meeting room to get away from the back room distractions. And because there was a cartful of new books in that room waiting for me to review. The new books had been piling up both because we had been receiving a ton and because I had been out on quarantine twice in less than a month due to my son having a close contact for Covid-19 at school.

Those times I had been permitted to telecommute. Half time the first time and full time the second. Even at half time, it’s really hard to balance remote learning with actual work.

The second time around I got my son to help me with a work project – recording a story for Storyline. Having something that we could both work on together was great. And the days were still really hard.

Anyway, at the end of my mini breakdown, I had a poem come to me.

It’s taken me a while to feel comfortable posting it, but here it is:

No Safety Net: Let’s Jump

From Goodnight Ganesha
To Keep Your Head High * (I got the title wrong here)
All these new books
Bring tears to my eyes.

I’m crying. It’s true.
This is nothing new.
We are getting real close
To year number two.

Two years of pandemic
Two years all alone
Two years single parenting
I’m raw to the bone.

When I come into work
After a really tough spell
I hide myself away
So no one can tell

How awful a person
I have become
With no love or support 
I’m really not fun.

Every day I take time
To breathe all alone.
I wish it would help,
But I just want to moan.

I can’t be all this.
I won’t be all that.
I know I’m a failure.
Please give me my hat.

So I can pull it down low.
Close to my eyes.
I don’t want to see you.
I just want to hide.

My culture, my country,
My society
Is supposedly rich
But really, it’s miserly.

“Individuals!” It cries
I’m so sick of it.
I’m tired of balancing.
I just want to quit.

Families that can
Know what to do.
They’re quitting their jobs
And telling the bosses “F to the U!”

I would be one of those
Quitters. It’s true.
The great resignation
Is red, white, and blue.

Red is for blood.
White is for death
And blue is for bullshit
I smell on your breath